Zac couldn't eat during dinner that night. His father even commented that he was acting just like he had when they first moved there. Before he met Vienna.
But he felt as if he might throw up, die, or both at any moment.
Excusing himself early, he retired to laying on his bed, ceiling gazing, and concentrating on the feelings passing through his body.
It felt like his heart was rapidly swelling, pushing on his chest, and suffocating him while building pressure, ready to burst at any moment, shattering his whole body in it's wake. He couldn't cry, no matter how much he knew he needed to, but he was gasping frequently, barely able to breath. God, it hurt so bad.
He wasen't sure if he wanted more to lay there until he died of malnutrition, or punch holes through the walls, break everything in the room, then run as far as he could until he passed out. Then he would lay in the road and wait to die of malnutrition.
Maybe he wouldn't have to wait. Maybe he would die, right now, from the pain.
Zac stood up and went to the window, unsure of whether he wanted to see her there or not.
To Zac's surprise, it wasn't through the window that he saw Vienna, but rather he could see her sillouete against the night sky as she sat on the upper roof, her hair being whipped around her in the wind.
He stood there for several long minutes, watching, before he decided to confront her.
He opened his window and hopped out onto her roff. She didn't turn to look at him as he climbed onto the top roof, though she obviously knew he was there. Zac stood where he was, without coming any closer and, after a minute, spoke from there.
"You know." he said, icily, "You almost had me fooled." he laughed bitterly and shoke his head sharply, "I thought you really cared. No, I guess you cry on everyone's shoulder, you sleep in everyone's arms. And, stupid me, you stared up at me with big weepy eyes and said you loved me, and I believed you."
When he stopped talking, she slowly turned her head to look at him. He was taken aback by the site of her.
Vienna had tears streaming down her face and was covered in blood.
"What are you talking about?" she whispered.
Swallowing his desire to react to her state, he shook his head.
"I saw you, Vienna." the pain was obvious behind his voice, "Kissing that guy, whoever he was, in the coffee shop."
"Oh." she breathed with an air of immense understanding. "Zac." she said, "That was cameron Green."
"Oh I feel better now." he snapped, words dripping in icy sarcasm.
She shot him a bitter glare in reaction to his words and exhaled in frustration. The message was obvious. I don't need this right now.
She hoped to her feet and, with a quick stride, breezed by him and disappeared inside the window.
Zac breathed hard, adding anger and confusion on top of his heartbreak. He considered storming off home and never looking back, but he was far too restless.
Instead, he jumped to the lower roof and pushed hard on the glass of Vienna's window, forcing it open.
"This conversation is not over, Vienna." he spat at the girl, who was standing a few feet from the window, arms crossed tightly over her stomach.
"Fine." she said with an icy calm. "Cameron strutted up to me like pompous as the first day I came here and started hitting on me. Now, the more I reject him, the harder he tries and the more I get harassed and molested" she looked up at him, "Yes, he kissed me, Zac, and I pushed him off. Or did you not see that."
Zac snapped his eyes shut.
"Oh Vienna." he whispered, after a moment, "I'm so sorry.."
She nodded. The tears were still streaming freely down her face and she had a very distant expression.
He sat down on the roof outside her window, looking in at her.
"Can you ever forgive me.." he started, watching her eyes unfocus, "For...saying that?"
She was quiet for a very long time, staring past him to the sky. He began to think she hadn't even heard him and was about to ask again when she drew in a breath, preparing to speak.
"How could you doubt me?" she whispered, so quietly that Zac wasn't sure if she had said it or simply mouthed it. "Zac...I held it all in until I met you.." she shook her head, eyes still far off somewhere, "It meant so much to me that you were there." she shook her head again, as if in disbelief. "I do love you, Zac, and I need you..." deep breath, "God, how could you think I don't need you?" She spoke so softly that it caused Zac's heart to nearly break. And she seemed to be talking to herself, with the way she was looking out at the sky, blankly.
"Vienna, I don't know what to say..." he watched her, wishing she would just look at him. "I'm sorry." he whispered.
She nodded, eyes still fixed on the darkness behind his head.
"I know." she said, simply. It wasn't enough, he knew, but he sighed deeply and decided not to push her.
"What happened to you?" he asked finally, of her bloody clothing and tears. "Did your uncle do this?"
Vienna shook her head. "No. No, I did this."
"What?" Zac asked, startled. He was sure he must have heard her wrong.
She didn't have to answer.
"What do you mean you did it?"
"I mean.." she looked at him finally, and her blank eyes grew hard in seconds. "I don't think I want to talk to you."
Zac was too taken aback to answer in time. He felt as if he'd been shot in the chest, his breath catching, as she closed the window and the blinds, shutting him out.
~~~~~
Vienna turned away from the window and let her legs collapse, falling hard onto the floor. Her tears hadn't stoped from the time she had first gone outside, several hours earlier.
She dropped her head into her hands and sobbed, in disgust with herself for having done this. For having gone back to the sick addiction of self destruction, after all the time, energy, hard work, and money it had taken her to stop.
Vienna pulled off her blood-soaked sweater, exposing the gashes on her arms. The chilled air eleviated the sting left behind by the razor blade.
A million different things raced through her mind.
She knew Zac was still on her roof, she knew she should clean out her cuts, but she couldn't bring herself to get off the floor.
~~~~~
Zac sat there on Vienna's roof for a long time. He didn't know what to do.
Why did he have to jump to conclusion and accuse her without even hearing her side? And why did he have to say such hurtful things? He wanted to go and fix Vienna somehow. To fix the scars on her heart and clean the blood off her body and wash all of the pain out of her. He wanted to take away everything that had ever happened to cause that look of abandonment in her eyes.
How was it, Zac wondered, while his heart was breaking from seeing this girl that he loved so much in so much pain, he could cause her more so simply without even thinking.
He peered inside, through the cracks in the blinds, looking in on her.
Vienna was laying on the floor, shuttering.
Zac sighed. Not knowing what else to do, he just stayed there next to the window and watched her.
~~~~~
Vienna woke up with a start, realizing she was lying on the cold, hard wood of her bedroom floor. She sat up and looked at the clock beside her bed. Midnight.
When she glanced at the window and saw Zac's dark sillouette sitting outside, it made her jump.
Collecting herself, she pulled the blinds open, revealing him there and shot him an irritated glare.
He put a hand against the glass.
Vienna sighed heavily and opened the window.
"How long have you been out there?"
"I never left."
"Zac, what's wrong with you?" she asked, aggrivated. "You scared me nearly to death."
"Couldn't have done you much more harm than you did yourself." he answered, flatly.
"Shut up, Zac." Vienna spat, "You have no idea what you're talking about."
"Then tell me!" he yelled, without thinking.
"Maybe I'll tell you, Zac, when I'm ready to." she answered, coldly, "Maybe when I'm less aggitated by you. Maybe when I'm not in pieces and you're walking on them."
Her eyes were tearing up again as she shut the window and closed the blinds again.