Once we were out of the hotel and on the bus, my shot nerves calmed down a little. My part was done.

Zac fell quickly back to sleep on my shoulder. It would have been endearing if it wasn't his own damn fault he was so tired. Plus, the movement of the bus was making me really queezy and kind of nervous, which was a sign that being "not hungry" all day yesterday, then only putting coffee in me this morning was more than my little hypoglocemic body could take. I would need to sneak off and get some food once the shoot was under way.

And, once we were there, and the guys were set and demanding that they get to remain in the clothes they came in, I slipped out and into a diner across the street, where I got some oatmeal.

I opened up my laptop while I was eating and hooked it up to my cell phone so I could log onto the net.

Lennon was online, so I checked in with him and reminded him that we'd be rehearsing at twelve. He, in turn, told me that I was uptight and I needed to look into having that stick removed from my ass.

He tries really hard to make things the way they were before, but I can tell he dosen't know how to act around me. It's okay, I'm not fond of the way I act anymore anyway. I'm agitating.

But Lennon blames himself for their deaths and he's afraid I might too. But I know who's fault it really is.

Holds-Her-Tongue Meg, who felt something go off in her when they climbed on that motorcycle, but didn't stop them. The fool who watched them drive away.

Lennon should blame me for the demise of his girlfriend and I think, if she hadn't also been my oldest sister, he would.

I packed everything back up and left, leaving behind a giant tip. I probably lose a fortune this way.

When I got back to the shoot, Zac was dancing around like a fool while they snapped cameras wildly at him. He's long since stopped caring if he looks like a moron on film. Honestly, he probably never did care. Afterall, there is that classic picture from about seven years ago-where he's got his legs spread open and Ike and Tay are holding him up-as evidance. I like to whip that one out everytime he asks me why I think he's such an idiot.

When he saw me, the most horrible grin spread across his face and, before I knew it he had a death grip on my arm and was dragging me in front of the camera, demanding a shot with me in it.

The camera man ablidged and, out of nowhere, I was upside down as Zac dipped me, causing my head to spin.

My blood sugar must still have been low for some reason.

"Zac." I said while I was still down, one leg in the air and my hair sweeping the ground, "Please just bring me up slow." he looked a little concerned but shrugged and brought me carefully back to my feet, making sure not to take his bracing hands from my waist until he was sure I was sturdy.

"Hey, what's up?" he asked.

"Just dizzy." I muttered.

"Do you need to lay down or something?"

"Nah, I'm fine." I answered.

"Fine like you were last year when you threw up on stage?"

I smiled, pulling out of his arms.

"Go finish your shoot, wise ass."

I went to sit in the open van door next to Kody, the bodyguard. Kody is great, he's my big strong teddy bear. Muscles and tattoos and lots of snuggly love. He nudged me with his shoulder as I sat down.

"What's shaking, little wing?"

Always another pet name with him. Little wing, shorty, baby girl, Barbie doll, puppy, carebear, Tiny Tim, lollipop.

"Nothing, Kod. Just the moron kept me up all night."

"Yeah, I saw you guys leaving the hotel." he nodded, "I probably shoulda stopped you, but.." he shrugged and nudged me again. "Wake up, boo boo."

Ah yes, and boo boo. My least favorite.

Taylor and Isaac walked over to us, once the shoot was over.

Zac was still off flirting with one of the makeup girls.

"Ready to go?" I yawned, stretching my arms.

"Yep!" Taylor plopped down on my lap.

"Go get your brother, string bean." I said.

"You go get him." he argued, "What do we pay you for?"

"Well, then, get off me." I demanded, kneeing him in the ass.

He 'hrumphed' and got up then I headed over towards Zac.

An idea formed in my head and I walked up behind him, sliding my hand across the back of his shoulders, then glanced up adoringly at him.

"Baby?" I asked, "Ready to go?"

I entwined my fingers with his and gave the extremely attractive makeup girl a dirty look. "Come on...you know I hate it when you..keep me waiting."

"Excuse me." Zac said to the girl, as we walked away. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, "I hate you, Fribble." he said, simply, "Freakin' hate you."

When we got back to the van, Taylor, Ike, and Kody were all laughing.

"Nice work, Waters!" Isaac slapped me on the back and I stumbled forward a little, but he grabbed me by the back of my shirt and pulled me back. "Come on, lets get out of here."

We met the backup band in the park that they would be playing in tomorrow night. It was closed for the next two hours so they could rehearse.

I like to lay low during the rehearsals to avoid all the flashbacks to the days when I was part of that, less than a year ago. Sometimes I swear I can look up on the stage and see myself busting apart a song with a sudden sax solo and Alyssa and Aimee laughing themselves red while Isaac yells at us to stop messing around and Zac sings a chorus of "ooh ahh went the little green frog one day, ooh ahh went the little green frog."

Today, I just layed in the grass and made calls on my cell phone.

First I called my mother, to check in. She and my father were out for lunch. She said it was a good testing time for my brother, Josh, to be left alone. Of course, she enlisted my help to call him and make sure everything was alright, because if she did it he'd know it was a spot check.

So next, I called Josh.

It was a very encouraging call because he sounded so good. He even laughed at all my stupid jokes. After that, I called the nut hut. More commonly known as the Hanson home. Calls to them are always the most interesting.

"Hello?" Mackie picked up the phone. I could hear Diana in the backround, telling him that he hadn't answered properly.

"Hi, Mack." I laughed.

"Oh, Megsie! Hi!"

"How's it going over there?"

It was late April so the rest of the family hadn't come on the tour so they could finish up their school year. Not that they really ever came for more than a week or two anymore as it was.

"Oh, I'm good, they're good, everyone's good, hey! Dad bought me a new bike!"

"Oh yeah?" he was always so enthusiastic, you have to smile when you talk to him, "Is it better than the old one?"

The old one made a noise like a duck when you used the handle bar breaks.

"Oh, so much better, Meg."

"Good. Now when I need to steal it from you to chase Zac down the street after he water bombs me or something, I won't have to count on oncoming traffic to stop me. What color is it?"

"It's green...Zoe wants to talk to you. See you later, Meg, I love you."

"I love you too..."

"Meggie!" Zoe yelled into the phone.

"Hey, baby!"

"Hi! Guess what, Josh is at your house in the window, making funny faces."

I laughed.

"He is, huh? You make sure he stays out of my room now, okay?"

"I will. But Meg, can I go in your room?"

Zoe loved my room. She loved my big soft bed with the fluffy white covers and all the different shaped pillows. And my big stuffed duck, which was nearly as big as me. Zoe has spent hours at a time just sitting on my bed and staring at all the porcelain dolls on the shelf that circled the room, two feet below the ceiling.

After Aimee and Alyssa died, their rooms stood still, as if waiting for them to come back.

But their stuff finally had to be packed up when we moved, and it was all in boxes in the attic of the house in Tulsa. But I took their dolls, as a piece of them.

My father put that shelf up because there were so many, when added to mine.

Most important were the three costumized dolls our parents had had made for us on Christmas about forever ago. They were made to look like us, one with honey blonde hair and green eyes, one with brown hair and eyes, and the third with red hair and brown eyes. They all wore the same dress in a different color. Mine blue, Alyssa's pink, and Aimee in purple. They were duplicates of actual dresses we wore one Easter just as long ago. Yes, my parents were the kind that thought it was adorable to dress all their little girls in the same outfit.

Thinking about it made me sad and I had to swallow a lump in my throat before answering her.

"Of course you can, Zo. I'll need you to take care of everyone."

She knew who I meant. I was a little girl once too.

"I will!" she said, in excitment, "I'll make sure to hug Big Stuffed Duck for you everyday."

I felt tears in my eyes again.

It was like being on the phone with my past self. I pictured me at six standing on the other end of this line. Great big eyes, mega-wat smile, golden curls. Giggling fiercly and watching my older sisters play, a few feet away from me.

"Zoe." I said into the phone, praying God leave her the way she was forever, "Tell everyone hello for me and that we love and miss you all and we'll see you soon."

"Okay." she said, softly. I could tell she had detected the tears in my voice, "I love you, Meggie."

"I love you too, baby."

I hung up the phone and dropped it in the grass next to me, pulling my knees to my chest and burrying my face in them.

After a few minutes, I felt someone sit down next to me and lay a hand on my back. It was Zac. No one else in the world had that much warmth in their hands.

"So, do you think we'll ever get Meg back?" he asked, quietly.

I sat back up. I knew what he meant, and I felt so horribly sorry for not being the person he held me preserved as in his mind.

"I don't know." I muttered, pushing myself off the ground. I started to walk away, but all of a sudden, I needed to be as far from him as possible and I took off running.

I had no idea where I was or where I was going, but I kept running. I ran as fast as I could, ignoring the dizzy, pounding headache.

But then, that was all there was. No ground beneath me, no sky above me, nothing around me. Just the faintness, dizziness, sharp headache.

And then it was over.