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I thought that I was leaving.
I packed a bag with the things I would need, I wrote the shortest and most
unfair note I could have, I had my car keys in my hand...
I thought I was leaving.
But when I opened up the
door and he was on the other side.
"Where are you going?"
"I just need to take a walk."
He fixed his
eyes on mine. He knew taking a walk meant walking out. I was ashamed in that moment...since when do I give up? Since when
do I quit when things get hard?
Don't you love him?
I forced a smile, I kissed him, I told him I'd be back,
and I walked past him out into the hall. I could still feel his eyes on me as I walked away.
I made it all the way
to the end of the hall before he spoke.
"Kyle, please don't leave."
Those words stopped me. Maybe the quiet
desperation behind them stopped me. Maybe the throbbing I felt inside with every step I took stopped me.
I took a deep
breath before turning back around to face him.
He was standing there, at the other end of the hall, just looking at
me with the saddest eyes I'd ever seen. His face an expression of 'how could you do this to me?', the slump in his shoulders
an 'I'm sorry about everything.'
I shook my head. If I took even one step back in his direction I knew I'd never make
it out of the building.
"Something needs to be done, Zack." I sighed, "I'm really sorry it happened, but it did, and
I won't expect you to forgive me. But the silence over the whole situation isn't working for me."
"What are you saying
to me?" there was anger behind that. I could never seem to say or do anything that didn't upset him. "Maybe the silence dosen't
work for me either...but how do go about blaming this on yourself? How are you gonna tell me that I can't forgive you for
something you didn't even do?"
He was moving in my direction now. In my eyes, that was just as risky as me moving
towards him.
Please God, don't let him get too close to me. I can't fall apart now.
God wasn't listening.
He
put his hand down on the side of my neck. That was the tear button this time. I closed my eyes.
"I just don't believe
that it would happen again, Zack.."
"I'm sorry that I yelled at you."
"How could this happen? How could I not
have known?"
"I'm sorry I yelled, Ky. Being sensitive about it just wasn't working. It was the only way I thought I
could get through to you."
"I don't want to believe it."
"Doctors don't lie."
I sighed and opened my
eyes again. He gave me a sad little smile.
"I don't either." I whispered.
"I know." he nodded, "I know that
you didn't know..it wasn't your fault."
I put my head down against his chest, feeling tears choking up in my own.
"Please
tell me this isn't real." I sobbed. "Please tell me this didn't happen again."
He wrapped his arms around me tightly.
"I'm sorry" he whispered into the top of my head.
I sobbed into his chest until I couldn't anymore and he stood there,
holding me against him, until I drew back.
"Where were you gonna go?" he asked me
I wiped at my eyes. "My parent's
house, maybe..."
"Are you still leaving?"
"Do you want me to?" I asked, quietly.
He shook his head, increduously,
"No. Of course not! Do you want to?"
I sniffed. "I would never want to leave you. I just thought it might be easier
on you if I did."
He grabbed me and pulled me against him again.
"Don't ever even suggest a thing like that
to me again. I love you. I couldn't live without you...I don't want you going anywhere."
"You're a masochist." I laughed,
still sniffling against him.
"Masochism is when you hurt yourself." he laughed too, "You feel too good to be masochism."
I
shook my head and smiled a little. "You made a mess in the bedroom."
"I'll clean it up."
"You broke my computer."
"I'll
buy you a new one."
"You scared me."
"I'll fix you."
I thought I was leaving.
I never made it
further than that hallway.
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